"Sorrow"

I'm driving home tonight and the air is so thick; I can practically taste every single particle in the air. Going through the Mount Pleasant ravine, the mist is surrounding the trees and I can't help but think that's exactly how my head's been feeling like for the past week. Just in a daze of confusion and ... nothing really. Just numbness... There's just so many thoughts in my head; it feels like that are none. All jambled up in confusion and insecurity. While I picture my possible move across the continent, I picture the 1000 ways it could go wrong. I look for better ways to get out of the numbness but I find more ways to self-sabotage and pull myself back in. Lush drinks with equally lush foods... Emotional eating was/is never the answer. I just resent myself

"Sorrow" by the National comes on. It doesn't matter how many times I listen to this song, there's always comforting feeling that turns into guilt. The words speak to me in unimaginable ways but I always wished it didn't after...

"Sorrow found me when I was young; Sorrow waited, sorrow won"

When you're 9 and you keep finding out that more family members that you've never met, the same ones that keep telling you that they love you and can't wait to see you again is either running for their life or got hacked away by some maniac who admire the same family but resents the fact that they belong to the wrong social class... Let's just say that you end up really not caring about the Backstreet Boys or whatever the trendy band/artist was in back then. Then you watch for the same event pick away at your family time after time after time for the next coming years. You can't help anything or do anything because you're a kid and kids don't have a say. It's not like I've been abused or traumatized. But feeling the way that I do because of the ever mounting pile of crap I went through makes me feel even worse than the way that I felt in the beginning, because it's trivial compared to a lot of things that experienced every day by a lot of people. So why should I feel like there's still a hole inside? Why do I still feel it if everything's said and done?

"Don't leave my hyper heart alone on the water
Cover me in rag and bone sympathy
'cause I don't wanna get over you
I don't wanna get over you"

Then there it comes... "I don't wanna get over you" Right there; all I thinking is: "Yeah, I don't. I really don't want to. Wait... Who am I even thinking about?" I've been having the romantic attention of a 14 year old hyped up on hormones and... there's nothing else to say. I feel like Jim Carrey in "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind" when he's sitting in the train when he's on way to Montauk and says  "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention? " (may the reader exerts discernment ;)) . It's ludicrous; yes and I like to think that I'm smarter than that but my treacherous heart seems to have its own mind.

"Sorrow's my body on the wavesSorrow's a girl inside my cakeI live in a city sorrow built"

My love for the National is a bittersweet one...